Waiting

Everyday i’am waiting, always looking forward to a day very far away. With hope and determination I stay strong. Things keep moving forward and I will follow that path too. I’am still waiting. Someone passes by, takes a look at me and moves on. Will I ever know what’s on their mind?. Perhaps they wanted to talk about their life but unfortunately the circumstances weren’t right, not now. I kept waiting more and this time I got hungry, went out to eat and found some more people waiting for their food. At least we shared that in common for a short while. I’am happy if even its just that.

Help when you need it

My whole life was pointless until…

I had a hard time trying to keep up with everyone. at any second i would fall, if not for my own survival by now more than likely i’d be doing something else much more fun. but im restricted by the normal standards of society so i have to cope up with it or certain death may come up sooner than i would like. i go about my day like usual, thinking of my painful life, as something i didn’t wish to be, yet its what i’m doing. is happiness that hard to reach?. questioning myself like this everyday wasn’t the most thing im proud of. at night i was in a public park, trying my best to relive myself from my life problems by being there, lying on the grass looking at the bright stars that turn dark every time i think of the disaster i’m in. when something this important keeps getting in the way, its hard to enjoy the slightest of enjoyment in life. like food that has no taste. friends? i had none i could name by that. the only thing i had is the last bits of sanity i had with me. everything i have done until this point felt pointless. for some reason some loud noises started to emerge not long from where i was lying and resting my head. out of sheer curiosity i went there to only find some little girl injured from falling from the top of the tree. her legs are hurt but she looked fine, no major injuries, only problem was she couldn’t walk at the moment, and she needed to be near her family. i saw a few people who were passing by without even taking a second look. was i the only one who cared? that was when i realized that this girl is what i could end up if no one backs me up. ending up stuck with no help, and when help came it would have been too late. the damage is already done and these injuries will leave permanent marks. that’s why i had no choice but to not let such thing happen to her. i wouldn’t want anyone to let me down, i wanted help but i can’t deserve help if i didn’t need it in the first place. i wasn’t in need just yet, the only thing i could hope for is for someone to save me when it counts. once i took the  little girl on my back. i told her about my situation and why helping others is very important. she simply kept nodding at every word i say, i didn’t need proof from her or anyone else. i was just happy to be that someone who helped, not the one who needed help. the family thanked me and i went away about my day. after this incident, i began to be more open and sleeked help when i needed it, rather than letting it all for myself and sink down in darkness once again.

Distantly connected night

A distant someone finally connects

Waiting for someone i have contacted before to arrive near the grocery store, my back against the wall and one of my foot on it. i was getting tired and that person has yet to come. believing i was deceived and tricked into staying outside the whole night waiting for nothing, i decided to just accept it and go home. but i was unable to. soon after i started moving i was sure someone is tailing me, following me in a suspicious way. i knew what the truth is before it came to light. that this is someone i used to chat a lot with online. we became friends through a game online community there but to think he’s like this in real life just doesn’t make me feel well. not only being late but acting in not very well manners. we never saw each other before but i was sure enough because of one thing. the T-shirt he wore was that of our favorite game and we both know it very well and are huge fans. of course this game is hardly known to the public and our society as its fans are very few fellows who happened to be one of the luckiest or unluckiest. that’s why there can be no doubt that this is who i think he is. i knew i attracted weird people from my experience in life so this was no surprise. i just had to accept it as fact because i can’t run away from my own reality.

i had to confront him. “Hey you over there, are you who i think you are?”, he answered “Yes you do, i was afraid i got the wrong person at first but im glad i was able to find you without much trouble. it must feel very strange for us who were only communicating online to be doing this huh?”. i reply “there is more reason for our meeting than to just talk about our favorite game, i will save that for later because now i want you to do me a favor i can only ask you to do it now”. he thinks for a bit and says “this is our first meeting how am i supposed to useful to you in anyway?”. of course someone like him who up until now only thought of people as those who can never feel the joy we feel because they never had a chance to play our favorite game. i disagree with him on that matter because everyone can find their own joy in life in many different ways without playing this game. i just feel sad for him but no one can change the way someone thinks unless it was very significant. i hoped that i could lead him to change his thinking and start to think of others as individuals with different interests and likes. overall i wouldn’t say he is a bad person, he simply cannot understand people well because of his blinding love and obsession over the game. i get back to him by saying “you can help if you want, its something very important to me so will you please?”. in a shaken and unwanting voice he says “no, not today, i can’t help today and tomorrow and the after. because i’m as useless as i can be, i have never been friends with anyone really. all i do is think badly of everyone around me. no man im too negative to be able to help you, maybe you are my friend or not, i dont know the truth. life is bad for me and i have nothing to go on to”. i had to recalculate everything he just said and process it very well in my mind before i say anything. this was crucial, this was my moment i had needed, this is where change needs to happen. with somewhat of a low voice i say “Thats right, its over for you before you even start. but you have to know first that a “start” can be anywhere, not from when you were born, not when you had fake friends, not when you started playing your favorite game but only when you decide it to be. not done by others but only you, the whole decider factor, the world is all yours if only just only you start from where you want and keep going until the start comes to an end. the end is also just a start to reach the next end and so on. this cycle will forever keep going until it stops on you. so before that just START a new. today marks the day our friendship will progress toward a darkly bright future”. he is out of words, unable to say anything he shed some tears and shakes my hand. i was able to at least change him, with my physiological power that i unfortunately forcefully gained through very hard times. had at last became very useful for me. i was happy, from that point on i was able to hang out with him more and help him with his problems, it was not all bright. we together went through many troubles and problems that at some point could have separated us but we didn’t. we didn’t fall for the lies of the world around us.

Desperate night

Desperate to feel fulfilled

When the night closes in, so does the time to sleep. but this time, it was different, i didn’t sleep, i didn’t have any sleep in me. i felt something was missing, something needed to be done yet i could never know what is it. the unfulfillment i felt was unreal. desperate to do that thing which i don’t know, so badly, it seemed to be the only important thing in my life that i had to do. i came up with a solution that may or may not be dangerous, i needed to get outside and do something before i lose my mind. i brought with me some wood and equipment to light up some fire and sit around and wait until something, somehow to get that fulfillment feeling i so much desire. a very lonely and quite night. sitting and warming my self with the fire. it was beautiful. however it was not enough to get me the feeling im looking for. it only made me crave more, something more needed to happen or else it would be just a boring lifeless night with myself and my cravings. desiring so much in so little time is the mistake i made, a mistake i will forever learn from. i should have been patient and accepted that if i want great things to happen, i will have to wait a very long time for a truly fulfilling experience. as i was looking at the fire i just made, i felt a hand reach out to my shoulder, and tapping it. i turn around to see a bat flapping its wings on me and fly away. animals sure like to mess with us humans, now i was actually starting to feel excitement. as the bat went into the woods, i followed it there too just out of sheer curiosity. once the bat stopped i saw it eating something that looked like meat but it was too dark to see well. so i close in and check out what is so delicious for a bat to eat at night. it was something i couldn’t recognize, a bunch of meat stuff meshed together, perhaps it was a human or an animal, that i can’t know. i move back to the fire to bury it and go home. i saw enough to feel fulfilled for today anyway. even if it was something not to my likening. it was the desperate night. patience is the key, a key few know how to use. The unused key.

A writer in the snow land

Writing to change lives for the best

On an adventure, in the snow land. i sat my luggage in my cottage and went to look at the window. the snow was covering the whole area. Spending my time here for a little bit doing some work that must be done, this place really inspires me so much. being alone like this and the sound of the quite snow wind outside is very relaxing to me. my job was to write inspiring words that will encourage highschoolers to study and love life as it’s meant to be. it was no easy task but thankfully i was able to pull it off, just in time. sitting near the fire pit feeling a bit warm, i grabbed my pen and notebook. wrote hundreds of words for the next hours but i only had to choose a select few. once i was done i had to go back to the main building and eat dinner with everyone living in the cottages. we had a great meal and i truly liked the hot soup. i thanked the cook. on my way back i saw my cottage room door open and some snow got in a little bit. i hurry up coming in to close it and cool down a bit. by now i haven’t truly made contact with anyone here. maybe a few conversations, perhaps they seemed casual to me but not to them. as an outsider to this area i felt uncomfortable, some truly hideous thoughts crawled up in my mind but i didn’t give in to them. after a while of cooling down in the room i realized some of my notebook papers are torn off. the ones which were the most important to me, the ones i wanted to use as encouragement for students to study and live better. it was gone. i saw a note placed at the end, it says “If not in here, then think where it should be”. In the fear of the moment, i almost forgot these important words i wrote, but it’s true i can’t forget something this important. especially if its going to change others lives. i had all of the words in my heart, the true place where they should be and go out from. perhaps this situation changed my thinking and actually made me have a better life. thanks to the  kind stranger that i never knew. doing a bad thing for the good of others, that’s a very challenging thing to do.

Decision night

A decision that changed everything

The night is the most important time of day for me, it is when i feel up to do anything and everything with real passion, that’s why i love it so much. But i couldn’t enjoy this one night, it is the worst in my life. it began with me and my friend being out in the cold night, nothing was wrong at first, we were minding our own business and just talking about video games our favorite hobby. As we pass by the empty streets and side walks, we eventually stumble upon a dead cat, as cat lovers we really felt pained in our hearts. the sight was unbearable so we had to move away fast. a shadowy figure stops us and questions our decision of leaving a dead cat on the street for everyone to see rather than move it somewhere else. as she did question us a speeding car came by and opened its doors as it sped it even more, in a split second the shadowy figure vanished from sight. this is the most eerie moment of my life so far, we hadn’t thought much about it other than it was very unusual and extremely uncomfortable to be in such situation. i had no choice but to split up with my friend and call it a day, it was enough for my weak heart. i was greeted again by the shadowy figure waiting on my house door. she said “Your time ran out tonight”. wait, my time  ran out? just what could it mean. i was too afraid to ask, again she disappeared the moment i tried to approach her. i was feeling even more horrified each second passing. i went to sit in a desk in my room to write for everyone i love my final message. i had felt death coming to me sooner than later. i truly believed my time ran out. once i was done i locked my bedroom door and truly wished i could live another day, to eat my favorite food, spend just one last time with my beloved ones, just once that’s all ask, i want to enjoy my life before the end, but the end waits for no one. and no one waits for the end, it will come. my windows broke and the shadowy figure emerged from it. but this time she didn’t talk, only stared at me intensely. so hard i almost broke down. approaching me with each step. she stopped and i felt it. i was having my head down but now i started looking up. i saw tears pouring out of the shadowy figure. i had no idea what to do, i felt so weak and useless. was she feeling bad about a decision i made?. its true after all, the shadowy figure is the actual owner of the dead cat, once i knew that my thoughts took a different turn. why was she so desperate about us making a decision about her own cat? i could never know because seconds after this weird encounter. she was gone and i never saw her before. i told my friend later about what happened to me that night. it was the decision night. a decision that drove someone else after me for a thing i had no control over. for a thing that wasn’t mine, a story emerged from it that will stay forever in my mind.

The last night

The darkest night ever

It was the darkest night i have ever witnessed in my life. No moon or stars are visible. the ground and the empty blackness of the sky. on the rooftop i sat and watched the ground with its people passing by. i was bored so i didn’t have anything better to do. and the house was empty and i didn’t feel good by just staying inside when i can be in the vast expansive outside world, even if it was only limited to being on the rooftop. a very calm atmosphere, i could almost sleep if it wasn’t for the fact its a hot night. Minutes pass by and i keep thinking of very important things that are going to happen next in my life. such as getting married and having a house, my mind is very clouded with other thoughts but they are too disturbing to talk about. it was time to go back and get some sleep, the drowsiness almost consumed me. with heavy shaky steps i walked toward the door to the first floor. and i was greeted by a literal trail of blood dripping and moving on the stair steps. i was too late to notice it and fell down the stairs, hurting my legs and head, and my body looked like someone who was just murdered on the spot. no major injuries of course and the blood wasn’t mine. who could have died in our house when i was the only one there?. the despair got into me, this is my last night, no time to get married or have a good life, a good fake life. the day my life is over is when everything will feel over because i don’t exist to feel anything anymore. the despair reached the maximum limit for me. i fell on my face, almost dead, breathing very slowly. woke up in the hospital to a bunch of wires. my family was around, they told me i stayed asleep for 10 years and that my body cannot function normally anymore. basically i was done for. i was a dead man living. all my hopes for a good future suddenly shattered the whole world with it. was this it? the end?. it wasn’t no, it wasn’t close to the end. Even if that night was the last night, the last day is still to come. and before it does, i will keep living and writing novels for the whole world to read. my life is over but i must make others lives better. it was a burning feeling inside of me, a feeling that was more of a desire. Today i still live and write many happy novels for the world to read and bring happiness from the darkest of places, the hospital. where pain and suffering happens everyday.